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Raunchy Bride

Dear Raunchy Bride,

Everyone keeps telling me how quickly my wedding day will go by. I want to make sure I have enough time to actually eat, drink and dance at my reception. Is it OK to skip the walking around to every table thing? Can’t I just thank guests for coming in the receiving line?

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

Unfortunately, no - unless you want your guests calling you the c-word behind your back once they leave.

The reason people say your day goes by quickly is mostly because you spend so much time planning and anticipating it and then, just like that, it’s over. In the receiving line, you want your interactions to be quick. Usually it goes something like this: “congrats!” “You look beautiful!” “ohhhh sweetie!” and then you say “Thank you!” and hug, next. The point of going around to each table at the reception is to thank guests for coming to share your special day. Many of them traveled to be there. All of them gave a gift and gave up their entire day or weekend for your wedding. It’s the least you could do. No one is expecting any more, but certainly not any less. I promise you’ll still have time for food, drink and dancing, even if you have a ton of guests.

Love,

Raunchy Bride


Tagged as: reception,

Dear Raunchy Bride,

I got engaged a few months ago, and one of my “toxic” friends feigned excitement (even though I knew she was so jealous). She’d been the passive aggressive jealous type since high school. Well, she just got engaged herself and got the exact.same.ring.

I know it’s not a coincidence, being that mine was custom made! Do I have the right to be mad at her, or is it stupid?

Anna

Dear Anna, 

The thing I’m more interested in is why you’re still friends with this woman. You describe her as a “toxic” friend who’s been this way since high school. Why is she still a part of your life?! 

If this doesn’t show you her true colors, then I don’t know what will. My advice? Cut ties with this chick and move on with your life. Everyone will know you got engaged (hence, got your ring) first, and that hers is not original. This is making my brain hurt.

Love,

Raunchy Bride



Dear Raunchy Bride,

My husband and I are coming up on our one year anniversary. We don’t live near our families, and recently came home for a long weekend to visit. I saw my cousin, who I haven’t seen since the wedding. She doesn’t have Facebook or any other type of social media, so she hasn’t seen new pics of me or anything. The first words out of her mouth were, “I can’t believe you didn’t get fat! I was expecting you to be fat. Most new brides gain weight the first year they’re married.” Umm. Sorry I didn’t gain weight? Maybe she meant it as a compliment, but it made me feel really uncomfortable.

Chelsea

Dear Chelsea,

CONGRATS ON NOT GETTING FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem.

Much like the Freshman Fifteen, the “myth” exists out there that new brides do gain weight the first year of marriage. While I certainly saw all my friends pack on the pounds freshman year (I gained all my weight and then some SOPHOMORE year, thankyouverymuch), I’d say it’s hit or miss with new brides (blame it on the lack of doing keg stands at frat parties). I’ve seen it happen with friends of mine, and I’ve also seen it not happen. My own weight hasn’t budged in years. So yes, what your cousin heard is true, it can happen. However, I don’t think she meant it in a bad way. I think she really was just genuinely shocked that it didn’t happen. Maybe it’s happened to a lot of people she knows. Maybe (and I do hesitate to say this, because I don’t know the woman) there was a twinge of jealousy behind it - but then again, maybe not. 

Either way, take the compliment and move on. Be glad you surprised her.

Love,

Raunchy Bride


Tagged as: fat, weight,

Readers, as promised, here are TWO WTFs. Enjoy. Congrats to our winners, Melissa from Alabama and Rachel from Indiana!

Melissa: “My friend’s bachelorette party was a crazy shit show. She met this guy at a club we were at, and they ended up hooking up not only that night, but the entire weekend. We all agreed not to say anything. At the end of the weekend, she told him she had a great time, but that she was getting married in a month. She says he took it well. They became Facebook friends and that was that. Or so we thought. About two weeks before the wedding, she mentioned that she had the weird feeling she was being followed, but couldn’t justify it. We all told her it was probably nothing, and just her nerves getting the best of her with the wedding coming up. Well, we were wrong. He showed up at the church the day of the wedding. Because of the magic of Facebook, he knew when and where everything was. Imagine us trying to play it cool. After the ceremony, the maid of honor and I got on damage control and approached him quietly while everyone else was in the receiving line. He stated the obvious - he was obsessed with our friend and wanted to watch her walk down the aisle on her big day. Not wanting to cause a scene, we waited until all the guests had left en route to the reception, and called the cops, since we had the guy’s car and plate numbers. It was definitely a scary experience.”

Rachel: “My friend got married to a real asshole. The entire time they dated, we all tried warning her about him, but she wouldn’t listen. He just came off as an arrogant jerk. He would order her around, and she would jump at his beckon call. All of us, including my friend, suspected he was cheating on her a few different times, but my friend chose to look the other way. My friend always wanted to get married on her parents’ anniversary date, and was lucky enough to get engaged at a time when the date was coming up on a Saturday. Unfortunately, that date coincided with the World Series. Jerk husband was a die hard fan of one of the teams in it, and gave her such a hard time once he found out the game schedule. My poor friend was in tears over it, because he was being such a jerk. At the rehearsal dinner, he appeared to have settled down. He was in good spirits, and my friend was actually happy. The next day, we all got in the limo and went to the ceremony site with my friend. Once we pulled up and got out, we were greeted by a very dismal looking groomsman. He informed us that the groom and best man were at a bar watching the game! He said they’d be there once it was over (it was apparently the sixth inning). We thought he was kidding. You could tell he was embarrassed to have to be the messenger. My friend started bawling her eyes out, and her father demanded to know which bar. The groomsman gave it up, and my friend’s dad ordered the limo driver to take him there. They returned twenty minutes later. My friend’s dad had obviously roughed the groom up a bit. The wedding happened, but not even a year later, they were divorced.”


Tagged as: WTF,

Dear Raunchy Bride,

I got married last month. We did the best we could with reception seating arrangements, and honestly, it worked out pretty well. We had eight to a table, and there was not room for the best man’s (my brother-in-law) girlfriend anywhere at the family tables (he was seated at the head table with us and the rest of the bridal party). We sat her at a table with some friends of ours who we knew would go out of their way to make her feel welcome, even though she did not know them. Apparently, she was not happy about this. What do you think? A month later, she’s still giving my poor brother-in-law hell over it.

Greta

Dear Greta,

At most large wedding receptions, we have what we lovingly refer to as “the misfit table”. Remember in The Wedding Singer, when Adam Sandler toasts the “mutants at table nine”? Voila. 

Figuring out the seating arrangements can be a very tricky task. You have to, of course, sit family with family, friends with friends, etc. Usually, as in your case, it does work out very well - however, there will always be those random stragglers who don’t fit in at any table (or, in the case of the girlfriend, who WOULD fit in at a certain table, but you just don’t have the room for them). Fear not. This is normal, and to be expected. There usually is a table or two reserved for such cases - single guests, guests who don’t know anybody else, or guests who there is no room for anywhere else.

Tell your brother-in-law’s girlfriend to shut the fuck up and get over it already. You’re only seating her at that table for dinner - the rest of the time, she’s free to get up and mingle with people inside her comfort zone. It was very thoughtful of you to seat her with friends who you knew would make her feel welcome - but obviously, she’s too much of a self-absorbed c-word to get that. 



Dear Raunchy Bride,

I have a large tattoo on my shoulder/back. I’m getting married in 6 months and wearing a strapless dress. My very conservative mother is having a conniption and insisting I wear a cover up. I say no way. She is so upset over this that it’s all she’ll talk to me about and she’s trying to guilt me into doing it. Who’s right?

Angelica

Dear Angelica,

You are! It’s YOUR wedding, YOUR dress, YOUR body, YOUR day. If you don’t want to wear a cover up, DON’T. Your mom will get over it. 

Love,

Raunchy Bride


Tagged as: tattoo, mom,

Dear Raunchy Bride,

I keep reading so many different things on thank you cards…..

Emma

Dear Emma,

When it comes to your shower, the sooner you can get those thank you’s out, the better. I’d say have them in the mail no later than two weeks after the shower.

You have six weeks after the wedding to send thank you’s out. 

You can either purchase empty cards and handwrite your own, or order thank you cards when you order your invitations. I suggest handwriting the shower thank you’s and using the pre-made ones for the wedding (since there will be a lot more of those). Or, you can pre-order the shower ones too. 

For those kind folks who give a lil’ extra sumpin’ sumpin’, a few handwritten lines would be nice, even if you’re sending a pre-printed thank you.

Love,

Raunchy Bride


Tagged as: thank you cards,

Dear Raunchy Bride,

We’re in the throes of wedding planning, and I need to know - is there etiquette for who to feed at the reception (photographers, etc)? 

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Yes,there is. You have to provide a meal for the photographer, as well as for the band or DJ. You should also invite your priest, minister, or whoever performs the ceremony to the reception and feed them as well.

I recently read an article suggesting that while you have to feed the vendors, you don’t have to feed them the same meal as you feed your invited guests. I DO NOT AGREE WITH THIS AT ALL. So basically, that’s like saying, “Sorry. I know you just provided me and my new spouse with an invaluable service (taking pics of our special day, providing music/entertainment while we party our asses off, actually performing the ceremony), but we couldn’t possibly be bothered to give you the same meal options as the guests we actually give two shits about. Here’s a Mickey D’s value meal. Eat it standing up in the corner, and quickly. We don’t have all day.” 

Bottom line: Send an actual invitation to the DJ/band, priest/minister/rabbi/whoever, and the photographer. Let them choose from the meals your other guests choose from. The End.

Love,
Raunchy Bride 



Dear Raunchy Bride,

I’m 27 and single. I live with my best friend from high school, Elizabeth, and one other female roommate. This is the second wedding invite Elizabeth and I have gotten where our names are on the invitation together. WTF, we are not a couple!! I understand it’s convenient to just send one invitation since we live together, but c’mon…. I recently started seeing a guy, and I’d like to bring him with me to this wedding, but apparently, I have to bring Elizabeth. What do you think?

Lacey

Dear Lacey and Elizabeth,

I understand your pain. People do all sorts of crazy things when they’re planning a wedding. You’re right, it’s convenient, but also a tad on the tack-ay side, you know what I’m sayin?

Typically, I don’t advise that you “bother” the bride or groom before their big day. Trust me, it’s obnoxious. If you didn’t get “Lacey and Guest”, then I’m sorry, but the bride and groom are not expecting you to bring one. If this was a long term boyfriend or your husband who they left off the invitation, then I would suggest hitting them up and letting them know their faux pas. But since you just started seeing this guy, I wouldn’t go there. Either show up to the wedding alone (or with Elizabeth) or not at all. 

Love, 

Raunchy Bride



Dear Readers,

I apologize for the WTF delay! There will be TWO WTFs this weekend, and I promise you, they will both be glorious!

XOXO,

Raunchy Bride


Tagged as: WTF,



Pic via http://www.weddingcollectibles.com/Funny-Sexy-African-American-Wedding-Bride-and-Groom-Cake-Topp-p-1739.html

One former bride gives no nonsense advice to all brides, grooms and everyone else sharing the special day


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